Monday, July 23, 2012

Back On Enteral Feeds: The Lowdown

There are many, many questions.

I don't know if I will be able to answer all of them, but I am going to do my very best to answer what I know and understand.

The first thing you need to understand is that you've been lied to, and you have been lied to by me. The fact of the matter is that I was never tolerating oral intake. I ate what I did in hospital, but ALL OF IT was coming up. There was never a point where the vomiting stopped or got better. Food would pile up at each meal, I would wait for HOURS trying to will the food through my system and...I would vomit. Hours after the previous meal, everything I'd eaten would come tumbling out of my mouth.

While in hospital after telling several staff about this, they maintained that it was all my eating disorder and that I was simply letting anxiety get the better of me. When I kept telling them what was going on, they then accused me of being non compliant and if I wasn't willing to work the program that I should leave.

And that's when I stopped being honest with them and with you. It's been a very, VERY demoralizing process.

When I came back home I knew I couldn't keep this up. I couldn't continue to live a lie, being that the gastroparesis had magically disappeared by the power of positive thinking had reformed my whole being and that I could eat food by mouth to survive.

'Fessing up to this has been one of the hardest things I've had to do. I'd gotten everyone's hopes up and by leading them on I had dashed them. I then had the audacity to ask their support and forgiveness as I worked through this and transitioned back to the tube feedings.

Then it was the most amazing thing. I was received with such agape love that I was overwhelmed with resolve. I had expected to be hated and scoffed at, accused of putting on a show for my own glory so that I could revel in the praise of slaying the beast of my very own burden.

I was met where I was at. The people who matter most to me cried with me as I confessed and have shown their unconditional support. I cannot articulate how much this means to me.

This, however, does not change the theme of this blog. You will still be witnessing the rise of a fallen star. It is just going to take on a slightly different form.

3 comments:

  1. My beautiful friend...I know how hard you tried but gastroparesis is a disease and you did your damnedest and I am si frustrated the way vita staff took it. We are fighting for our lives and don't be ashamed of your tube feeds...I spent so long letting my back pack and my iv fluids make me feel like less of a person but like you I fight for my life everyday. We are fighters and tube feeds does not mean you are not recoverying from your ED. I am proud to have you as one of my best friends. I love you danielle! Love Andrea!

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    1. Andrea, thank you. I am so lucky to have friends like you :)

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  2. I'm sorry this happened to you. When I was in VITA we all had the stomach flue and couldn't eat without it coming back out. Of course this was just ED talking and they made us eat anyway. After 3 days of throwing up and diarrhia the finally believed us. It is so frustrating when nobody believes you.
    I was so happy when I heard you were able to eat and now I'm so sad.

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