Wednesday, July 31, 2013

What Thriving Anyway Means

Aaand once again...was placed in the hospital.

Once again, I am home.

Here I am now, picking up the scattered pieces, for inpatient you are no longer a person. Instead, you are set of numbers, irrelevant letters, and a few tidy diagnostic labels to tie it all together.

Their only obligation is to treat and usher you toward the door...bringing you back to a point where you can Survive.

But that isn't enough for me any longer. There is nothing to grab hold of fiercely in merely Surviving.

If I am going to win this battle, ones to come, and eventually the War...I must and do choose to Thrive.

***

This was one of the most demoralizing inpatient stays I've ever had.

However, the harder anyone tries to knock me over, the more dedicated I am to standing firmly in place. Am I some kind of Super Human, one who never utters negative feelings or ideas to myself or others? The answer is an emphatic NO! The fact of the matter is this: I am loved.

I let myself to be loved by others, even when I don't feel that I deserve it.

I accept help from everyone...but I reject "help" from others if it is to be harmful to me.

I complain at times...and allow myself to be corrected and committed to using sound advise from  many, many others as they share their own seasons of stability with me, much as I do with others in my life.

I gave birth to my J tube in this last admission. What this means is that my body will only continue to reject foreign bodies in my own. We will not be placing any more long term lines or tubes because I would only end up inpatient over and over

...and over and over and over...

What kind of life is that?

There was a cue to panic. I took not the first chance but did the second. I became terrified of starving to death, of death itself...

the harder anyone tries to knock me over...

...but why fear this concept? Are we not all going to pass on at some point? What mortal lived forever?

...the more dedicated I am to standing firmly in place.

I have seen fear cripple a man, a woman, a child. I, myself, have also allowed this to happen back and forth. But living in fear isn't living at all...and in my case, if I allow fear to take hostage of my life...you may as well hand me a shovel.

...so what does "thriving anyway" mean?

I have a few conditions that typically require jejunal feeding access...even TPN via central line at this point. Yet now having lost both lines and my J tube to complications related to my illness, it would seem my demise would be eminent...

...but on the contrary! I've never quite been so alive before. Is this starvation induced euphoria? Is this mania induced delusion? Have I gone mad?

No. I have -- be it by circumstance, by spontaneity, or divine intervention -- started living again.

Without a doctor's note.

I am breaking some restrictions that had been placed in front of me. It isn't always pleasant, but I am pushing forth anyway.

I am Thriving Anyway.

I could re-examine the numbers over and over again. I could huddle in a corner and await the end. It is my life, after all. I can do with it what I please.

Instead, I pleasure to do the many things I was told would never be possible. At this point, if this shift in Reality falls crashing to the ground then I shall be bidding you all good-bye. For I have exhausted every avenue...and failed them.

But who failed at Thriving?

Only the ones who have lost Hope.

This last admission Hope was brutally obliterated by every means possible in the medical community. Even I joined in, having lost the will, the desire to go forward. I came home with a heavy heart, even vocalizing to a few that I may not make it past this point (some things aren't looking very well at all)...

...in my slumber I seemed to be invited to just TRY to look forward to starting over. I have lived these past years as a PATIENT, not a PERSON. I know every ridiculous label, all the codes, even  TAKING PRIDE in this fact.

When I woke up I realized I was not fatigued because of life, but rather of existing only to ward off death.

That's what I was tired of.

Now is my chance. In fact...Thriving is the only shot I have at survival in an odd twist of events. Much as I used to when I was nothing more than a toddler chasing lightning bugs, I've grabbed hold in sheer exhilaration yet with care as not to damage it.

I can only fill my jar with this Light so as to ward off the Darkness.

I can only look up, out, and forward.

I cannot afford "what if...".

I will never be content to only "Survive", for from this moment and beyond my only means of survival is Thriving.

Thriving is laughter even though it hurts to do so,

Thriving is a long conversation with someone you care for,

Thriving is setting goals...setting even foolish goals to what you are met with caution by some...yet KNOWING at the core that not only can you meet it, but you can surpass it.

And then some.

Thriving is sharing this misadventure called life with any and all who will listen, sharing your story, delighting in the victories of others much like your own, starting where you are and being unapologetic if you don't meet the standards of someone else.

Be You. And be proud.

You have my support

With love

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