Wednesday, September 4, 2013

An Insider's Guide To Thriving Anyway

An answer to the poem written by Andrea Gibson's "An Insider's Guide On How To Be Sick"

For months I lay here, shadow hovering over my entire Being.
I am not a person any longer --
no.
I have taken many forms:
was this what I wanted to be when I Grew Up?

Did I want to lay my Hope and
my Dreams
on the stoop of Death Himself?

For months this couch as my home:
"I ACCEPTED THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE"

Can I change this river
run ragged over stilted breath --
over bone exposed?

Carrying to failing organs
a message:

"OUR BATTLE HAS ENDED!
WE SURRENDER!"

And the liver? It closed its doors.
And the kidneys? It wasted my very essence.
The blood being the good Messenger Boy he is
made it to my heart

And it became inflammed!
But before it stopped tapping out the rhythm of my Life...
it remembered again what it was to live

What do you want to be when you Grow Up?

I am a dancer on her knees.
I am a ninja wandering.
I am a writer lost in the night.

I am a body.
I am a soul.

And this heart of mine rallied against the blood
meant to abandon Hope and
give way to fear.

And the Soul?
was more than happy
to give Life another try

How to be sick?
Never get up.
How to be sick?
Make that needle in your arm your God.
How to be sick?
Leave your life behind.
Follow the Gosple of the Reaper.

Shall we bow instead to numbers?
To paper?
To defeat?

This couch was my home.
But I remembered --
this was not what I wanted to be
when I grew up

Though not inherently a choice
but with a will to keep the fight.
With a Promise to my Loves
I shall stay.

I should have died--
but I'm Thriving Anyway.

***

Poetry isn't my forte. At all. But I read this poem and at once empathized and realized: this message makes my whole journey a mockery. If this is all my life is then WHY LIVE?!

I write this blog because I HONESTLY BELIEVE that even with being chronically ill...you can still have a life. It won't look like everyone else's at all. But you can still find joy.

And why not try?

Don't you dare for one second think that "I don't know w hat it's like" because I DO.

I had to relearn how to walk again MAINLY ON MY OWN
I survived a severe bout of sepsis that warrented four MET codes of a score.of six...Code Blues...my mother got a call asking about life support.

All of my life I have wanted to help others.
This blog is my chance.

I don't have it as bad as others. I UNDERSTAND THAT. But it's not a contest. Grieving is normal and 100% healthy. So is anger. And I am NOT HERE to judge the process of other's.

But this is MY experience. I want to share my hope...my life...with YOU.




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