Tuesday, December 3, 2013


Nothing is as sobering as living with a chronic illness. There is dependency on others in our lives and I believe a good portion is related to a loss of hope.

Today I want to let you in on something rather wonderful, yet gut wrenching and nerve wracking and brutally honest.

Do you see what I see? My home was practically set afire when I had an infiltration of bed bugs thanks to my neighbor. The heat treatment killed all of my plants (I had several). However, this is an extremely hardy plant and I had two pots for them to rest. I had to sadly bury the rest, but daily I checked on the last two pots.

Because I have hope.

In a  month with what seemed like a bunch of dirt resting easily in a pot with nothing to show for it. But last week this little sprout shot up. And this week I have discovered a survivor, one that found hope buried beneath the many layers of soil, unable to reach for the life giving sunlight for four weeks. I also met this tiny sprout because of my own hope in life. My dreams and goals. My belief -- perhaps foolish? -- that anything was left besides dried dirt were somehow still in there working their hardest to reach me.

Much as changed in the period I was away from writing anything period. I felt that someone had blown out This Little Light Of Mine, that there wasn't much use in pre-gait training, of trying to stand and take strides both in the literal and figurative sense. Yet I pushed on. I collapsed more than once, has many instances in injuring myself by accident, and so much that was going well was met with the sickening, stomach churning thought that maybe I am pushing so hard for no reason.

How more untrue could that be?

I had found identity is "sick" since I was very young. My health status has waxed and waned all my life, have had to jump hurdles and trip to find small things about myself. This was threatened, however, with some new lab results that my have had others doubt the insanity and validity that is my life, but thriving anyway.

But now thriving anyway has become my own mantra, and it stems from my love for family and friends, laughing at ridiculous cartoon shows, and of sharing my journey, my LIFE, with every one of you.

Just as I wanted to throw in the towel, stomp on it, and set it afire...this little green shoot came to visit me one morning.

I dissolved into tears.

This embodied my current struggle. This  little guy must have had to find ground with its roots and push up to the top to find hope in the sunlight, hope in hearing the music I play daily, hope to make it past its burdens and start anew.

This photo was taken today. The little shoot is beginning to blossom, and its journey to grow taller, prouder, with only the message of what it means to find hope.

There is so much to be had here. So much to be grateful for. This is a season where many friends (myself included) find hardship and loneliness while others are depicted on television having idyllic family meals and a few innocent pranks with a happily ever after.

My friends...if we had that...we would have no reason whatsoever to find and keep hope. Or have a full  life experience to grow is wisdom and Joy.

Why such a tiny expression that shows my own fight and of those around me tugs at my heart so insistently I know not.  But I do know that:

I believe in hope.
for me, and for all of us.
take the first chance you can find it...
and never let it go.

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