Sunday, March 2, 2014

Fun Stuff: Some Things You Don't Know About Me

I'm exhausted right now of...medical crap. I live it every day, as a lot of my followers do. I'm sick of it today, and I don't want to post about it. So I'm not going to.

For the last almost two years, it's all been about medical crap! There are very few people that follow this blog the actually know anything relevant about me at all (and no, diagnoses do not count. If your diagnoses are your identity, that's called borderline personality disorder and there's therapy for that. Check out Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, or DBT, as coined by Marsha Linehan. Sorry, this blog will never advocate the use of psychiatric medication).

So I wanted to post some random things about me that you probably do not know.

I speak with a British-Canadian accent, but have never been to either Britain or Canada: Why? No one knows that! I'm a Missouri native, I was never friends with anyone with such accent that I could adopt it. My family doesn't have this accent. Just me. I've had several people growing up, especially teachers, how long I lived in Canada before moving here :head desk:. Not only have I never left the country but

I grew up in a disadvantaged home and went to disadvantaged schools: So there! Now you cannot use the fact that there was "so much going on growing up" that you couldn't make something of yourself! I went to an elementary school full of donated books and I was the only person, I believe, that read them. They were the ones nobody wanted: worn covers, yellow pages, and I devoured them all in my age appropriate section and by the time I was in the fifth grade I had already read Canterbury Tales and Dante's Inferno and understood what I was reading.  

I was bullied for being "too smart", but as a young child it was claimed that I had severe developmental disabilities: I went to a preschool on a literal short bus. Ask my mom (well, you can't really since she is not a co-author, but it's the honest truth). The only conclusion that was real is that I am dyslexic with both letters and numbers (also called "dyscalcula"). I integrated in kindergarten with public school and not only did I catch up but in one year surpassed the other children. Which pegged me as different. I didn't have any friends in elementary school at all, middle school was horrid for everyone, and it wasn't until high school that I not only made friends but became insanely popular amongst the theatre department and -- *gasp* -- goth kids! Oh, the horror :eyeroll:. It's lead to severe confusion, a propensity to doubt if I have any intelligence at all, and whether people like me. But then one day, I forgot to care, and now I love my life even though some crazy things happen. (No, it wasn't that simple, but it was a decision I made myself that no therapist, pill, or even deity could force me to do).

I advocate for psychiatric health and awareness because I used to struggle horridly with "emotional problems": I, at one point, was on 25 different psychiatric medications that conflicted with each other. That crap literally drove me mad: I stopped sleeping, eating, and kept "fragmenting" into "alter-states" known as Disassociative Identity Disorder, or what was once called Multiple Personality Disorder (oh, yes. That's right. The real, bonafide crazy). Alternatively, I sit on the fence if I believe in the theory of DID or not, considering that I believe in things like "string theory", am in love with metaphysics, and seeing switches as an "illness" doesn't bode well with these beliefs on the side. Nevertheless, I am also labeled with bipolar disorder type I (the insane kind, not the whiny kind), and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (which, yes, that is a diagnosis I believe exists), along with Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (a bit different than traditional OCD, I don't suggest you try to look it up, since you will claim that you have it too and just heard of this five seconds ago). I am anti-psychiatric medication because they kill people and there is no proof this shit even works and it damages the body over time (for the love of Pete do not stop taking medication without talking to a doctor. I am not anything more than a punk with a keyboard and a blog). I am all for therapy for a purpose, not in therapy for 20 years without aim or if you refuse to follow the advice. You won't get anywhere, and no one can force you to do anything you don't want to do.

I swear. A lot: I keep it clean here. There are people who would get offended if I didn't keep the language clean and the last thing I want is for the material to be labeled as "smut". But if you've ever spoken to me voice to voice, you know that I use a lot of swear words.

I have the sense of humor akin to a teenage boy: My fifteen year old brother and I find the same things funny. I don't care. And once I get started I just keep rollin'. Call if crappy lung capacity or whatever but if I'm laughing sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to stop long enough to breathe. Humor is my preferred method of changing a crappy mood, or taking myself outside my situation.

I have no idea why I started this blog: It just took on its on tone over time. Every post is like that. My writing process goes like this: "Hey! I have this idea!" and then I wait for the first sentence to write itself in my head. After that, all bets are off and I never edit, save for one of the eating disorder posts due to triggering pictures (some people are just sick and they weren't mean to trigger. No, I don't believe "Oh, that's just the illness" because that's a load of crock. We all have free will, and make our own choices after a certain age. I spent years involved with anorexia nervosa, so I am fairly sure that yes, I do know what it's like. And it's pretty freaking ugly).

I believe that any condition can suddenly get better...in other words, I believe in miracles: Not "miracle healing", that may have a Christian label but it's an evil force. Don't buy into it. I do believe, however, that with reasons not explainable by science, that a person can get better from even a potentially life threatening situation. It actually happens a lot, and no...you won't find this on Springer links, Journal of the American Medical Association, or anything of the like because there is no science in what we do not understand. Or won't understand. And the difference is only very slight.

I am an avid student of the metaphysical and even multi-dimensional, but hate Ray Kurzweil: Kurzweil is sort of like the anti-Christ of metaphysics. In his book "The Singluarity is Near" he brags about fortelling of the fall of Stalin, the 9/11 event (but got all of the detail wrong), and owns multiple companies, has his hands in a lot of pots, and is richer than even Bill Gates. The problem? He wants to bring people back from the dead and he is convinced that he will never die. That he will just keep replacing spare parts. If he really understood metaphysics, he would know how stupid that theory is and that is holds no water at all. And no, that isn't a sickness, that is also straight evil. Not afraid to call a spade a spade.

I'm blunt: No kidding?

I honestly love my life: There's a psychiatrist at St. Mary's that, for the last few years, has been trying to convince me that I am clinically depressed. He spells out my situation from his point of view. It was pretty bleak the way he described it. But now, after almost three years, he has finally dismissed the diagnosis, along with others because...despite the crazy and the scary, I see each sunrise as a gift that I wasn't guaranteed, a path full of possibility, and I refuse to give up on myself or others.

That's it in a nutshell.

5 comments:

  1. Awesome blog, granted I knew quite a bit about you already, but still lovely to read. I was a band kid/music department nerd, and proud of it! I don't remember ever craving that popular crowd full of cheerleaders and football players...we would have be super close had we been in school together. I know what it is like to have been bullied for intelligence...my own family bullies me for being smart still. I agree with you on so many things esp how blessed I am for the life I have, which most people look at me like I'm crazy when I say it, but it is true. You rocked this blog girl!

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  2. lol considering this got upvoted on Google + almost immediately I'm going to take it that someone else out there in the interwebs liked it pretty well too. Now I don't give a crap about what anyone thinks so it's sort of hard to be bullied if...well...you don't give a damn if they don't like you for whatever stupid reason. But I do live and cherish my friends, in all places, and do love my followers as there are quite a few. So I think that I may branch out more often from the medical junk because even today I just looked at an IV med that's been making me puke buckets and just said "eh...no". Why would I still take a medication with horrible side effects and no benefit (as I have been on it for a few months...no benefit). Monday I will inform my PCP that I won't take this medication with zero benefit and no dangerous side effects just reffusing and she will be just fine with that. but yes. I will probably post some random crap to break up the monotony :)

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  3. Replies
    1. Well finally! I have done like 4 other comments on here and when I hit publish, it erased! Which is not cool after a long comment. Glad to know that it is now getting through.

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    2. I'm glad you enjoyed it! I do wish to -- when the time is right -- fit in more posts that have little to do with medical drama. Because in all actuality, how well is one thriving if they are embroiled in some frenzy, the same frenzy for weeks to years on end.

      Feel free to drop a line, any time. I have a widget that will make it easier for anyone to email me. Ask anything...I'm an open book <3

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