Saturday, March 22, 2014

Interlude: Unusual Ponderings

How long has it been?

Finding that I am living the same day, the same moment, finding nary a flicker of a spark that would indicate that a new dawn if rising, one not laced with the same uncertainty as before.

Shall I knot this hair to escape this tower? Shall I take to my bed in hopes that my price will find me and save me from this coma I find myself?

Shall I take on the victim role?

I then wonder...how many have taken that option, though this case the man in the white coat having stolen the prince's crown, and in this realization find that we have not found a savior...but a mere man who has no more fairy dust in his pocket than you.

But if you look in the right hand corner of where you are captive, there is a rusty door. I'll let you in on a little secret: that door is not locked.

All you have to do is come to terms with the sunlight after so much time spent in the dark alone.

***

Remember the old Disney princess stories? Some beautiful young lady with no means, or stuck in a tower, or otherwise trapped in her circumstance. Then one day, a handsome dude comes along, and there's a short conflict, then the guy saves her and they lived "happily ever after".

But we don't really know the whole story.

I've been at this blog for almost two years, and only recently have I been up to posting on a more regular basis. I don't know what's changed, besides the season I find myself in. That and the fact that the tones of language have come back, and my desperate hope is that they don't leave me all alone as they did before last spring when I almost lost my life the first couple times due to complications from my unpredictable conditions.

For whatever the fortune I've befallen, I won't question it. Instead, I'll use what I have in hope that someone out there will see this and get in touch with that part of them that battles forth for their own lives, in whatever capacity that may be.

I sent a message to a friend not too long ago -- something that came as an epiphany from just a wandering mind, almost as something that fell out of the sky. It was some of the worst news, if that's how you choose to take it, but it was also the most relief that I could ever have found:

I deal with multiple conditions...and they will not go away.

There is an incredible burden that comes with harvesting expectation that bears no fruit. It is demoralizing to look at one's wheelchair and mutter about the day it will no longer be needed, only to be slapped in the face with the fact that day will not come.

It is emotionally painful to be in presence of an item that you used to love to eat and dream about the day that you too can partake, only for the bomb to drop in realization that dream will never materialize.

It is absolutely humiliating to buy and store items for personal care that most people your age would not be stocking for themselves, but rather their young children. A knowing nod from the store clerk as you drop wipes and other toddler needs into your basket and your eyes a transfixed on the floor. As long as you don't look up, the world around will not blur and there will be no waterfalls until after you are alone again.

And so...you ask...how the hell is the good news?

I'll break it down for you:

I am not a Disney princess. This is not a journey of a helpless woman in ostentatious clothing awaiting prince charming to rescue her.

I am not a livid, self righteous, indignant patient blowing up at my medical team when I am told there is no treatment  for most of what I deal with. Trust me, it has upset me in ways that I won't post on a public page, but it has gotten to a point at some times to where it feels as though my heart -- not my stomach -- is twisted in knots.

Almost like the prince that was to rescue me opted to stab me instead.

But just as in folklore of the phoenix, that bird that sets in flame endures being burned alive only to be born anew, I also have felt that flame to arise again. Some of the last two years in particular has been almost unbearably painful to a point where I was convinced that my bodily structure would be crushed under the weight of this burden.

There was a point in 2013 where we discussed "snowing under", as it is called.

But I am still here.

I've risen from ashes of what used to be, stripped of the unreasonable, the fear, doubt, and the wrenching anguish that suffocated me.

Risen with legs that cannot walk.

Risen with a host of complications...

but this new turn isn't born of defeat.

It's the acceptance of knowing my limitations, and refusing those factors to continue to limit me.

So I now take on this challenge whole-heartedly...learning to love the life I've been given and parting with what cannot come along in this journey.

Even in leaving what is no longer obtainable behind...there is so, so, so much more to be had...

"...And she lived happily ever after".

2 comments:

  1. You are the bravest woman I know!

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  2. Karin, your supportive encouragement has become indispensable. Your words are honest, through and through, which is something I have the utmost respect for. I'm glad that we got to meet each other and maintain a friendship..

    You mean a lot to me.

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