Monday, May 26, 2014
Reality Bites: The Seven Stages of Grief and Life On TPN
For those who are unfamiliar, the seven stages of grief are:
* Depression, Reflection, Loneliness
* The Upward Turn
* Reconstruction & Working Through
* Acceptance and Hope
I want to take the next couple of days and go into more depth about how the seven stages of grief correlate to me -- personally -- on this road to realizing that...this really is it. Barring some major barriers that if I am able to sidestep that would bare a different outcome, total parenteral nutrition is really the way I currently receive all my nutrition and hydration...
...and that is how my life will be lived out.
Even as I type this, there is a sort of shock. Partially because, as obvious as it may have been to friends who have walked before me on similar paths and had been encouraging for up to six months to just submit to suggestions being offered before me...I honestly never believed that I would end up on TPN. Not after how hellish my experience last spring was, resulting in septic shock.
But as the list evolves at the top, and as I discovered last year to be true, shock is sort of a clumsy catalyst for change. Many people may not observe the shock factor and recognize anger as what drove them to come to terms with and accept their circumstances, and yet more only remember grueling depression and the dramatic upward turn that fueling their success in returning to the land of the living.
For me, I feel as though I started at the top of the latter and fell face first down each of the seven rungs, beating my dopey head again and again to pull my prideful self together and commit to doing some real work in the acceptance department. I don't want to accept unpleasant things. There are times where I live in an alter universe with a population of one: Me. And in this literal universe, I can solve any and all problems by changing my mind or just denying what's going on that I don't particularly care for.
What's the definition of insanity again?
This is another post where I was searching for ways of coping with this lifestyle by other individuals, hoping to draw from their perspective. I couldn't find any, so I'm writing my own in hopes others may do the same for those who are feeling lost in this very different lifestyle compared to those who live outside in the real world. IV therapies are hardly anything novel in hospital, but when you are at home or out and about and you are toting IV supplies about, you are bound to feel a twinge of some unwelcome emotion...it's one I don't know the name of.
This is a continuation of how I am choosing to cope with something I am having a hard time accepting: hoping by sharing experience that I get it through my thick head that I'm not has lost as I think I am, and that ultimately there are no "sure things".
I'll let you in on a secret:: I am told that I am insightful. But I don't even know my own insight into a matter without writing down what my hands have to say. Each time I write a post, I literally have no real agenda. Whatever falls out is what I publish.
I'm as curious as you are as to what this mini series has to say.