Sunday, May 4, 2014

What It Means to "Hang In There"

Many use this phrase:

Hang in there...

Sometimes, I wonder, if in those moments you know what you are asking of someone in times of need. I myself have used it as well, usually charged with my own energy in hopes that I am somehow transmitting a talisman of strength that they've run out of...an embedded promise of Hope.

Who is to say that other people's intentions are not just as well?

I sit here at this keyboard, not entirely sure anymore what is happening to me. What this is that I am going through. Is this tunnel dark, or have I been stricken blind? I have not seen a light in the longest of times, it seems. 

Yet I go over messages and texts and recall verbal communication that was so very positive  not all that long ago. Was it today or last week? 

Friday?

November?

When I was eleven, my family took a rare vacation to Florida, and I swam in the ocean for the first and only time since then. I swam out, and out beyond where my mother could see very well, and she urged me back. Begrudgingly, I obliged.

Except one problem: the tide kept yanking me back.

This is called a rip-tide. And my mother lost one of her older sisters to a rip tide, as she did manage though, to save the life of a friend.

With every fiber of my eleven year old body, using my mother's voice as an anchoring device, I fought against the current that kept shoving me back, and back further than I started, and I knew, that if I could just meet the command of my mother's voice, that everything would be ok.

I had to make a decision, and that was not to panic. Not to even worry. I promised my mother, in my head (as if we could communicate telepathically), that is ocean around Pensacola, FL would not claim me. That the sea monsters further below would never look upon my body as a sinking object.

And you know what? I came back.

I don't think my mom knew how hard it was for me to come back to her in those ten, unsure minutes or if she thought that I was being reluctant.

However it may be, I came back.

And in this life I have come back, over and over, from some of the most bizarre and almost impossible of situations.

I've been "hanging in there" for a long, long time and I am worn. Cursing these arms that shake with fatigue.

Help is on the way, is the chant that plays in my head.

It has to. It just has to.

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