Thursday, June 26, 2014

Age 27

I turned 27 years old Saturday, June 21.

Since then, I haven't spoken to anyone outside my immediate treatment team.

Until today.

It has become increasingly clear that the life I am living is not all together the life I wish to continue living. Much has happened. I have learned much, loved often, and lost parts of myself and my world that I will never, ever have back.

But I do have today. I have right now. And I expect -- and am guaranteed -- nothing more.

Which is why I had to sign off. I had to leave the world behind for a moment that has lasted several days, build for myself a tiny shelter in which I can run to in the storms of this life in effort to seek protection and continue to foster a sense of security and warmth...

...and self worth.

I have to learn to remember that as much insight that may have, I am still very much in a learning and growing process. I have not been giving myself this space. I have been doing what all people in my age group do: searching for all of my needs in the vacant promises of the Internet.

I have made the decision to go ahead and attend University in the fall. It's something I have always wanted to do, but I had been waiting for a more calm and stable time. I was looking down the road in eager hope that one day everything will be "better". That I would be giving myself a fighting chance to do as well as possible in an educational environment if I waited for "Better".

But "better" is a fantasy land. It is as Eden: a mythical time in which once everything was as it should. I really did have an expectation that I would returning to Eden -- i.e. "Better -- within a reasonable amount of time.

I now know I won't. I was never well to begin with. Instead my condition has continued to decline with shallow reprieve. It is just enough to continue to thrive anyway and nothing more. If I choose to wait any longer, I will have let the gift and promise of Youth and Potential slip away.

It will be my loss, and mine alone. I would be the only one letting me down.

So now I am doing something about it.

I don't know what my posts will be looking like from now on. There has been a corner turned and I am unable to explain what is happening to me. But I will not be abdicating my dedication to this blog or to you my readers. Just know that some of what comes next may at times be somber, though I do intend on keeping this as pleasant to read as possible.

With this I leave you with some of what I have been doing that has been very right for me:

Look Up.


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